Ironic that very phrase which is my quote is the opposite of what God has been using to convict and refine me within the days of my return. There is much to write about-- life lessons and transformation that I hope to write about for years to come. But in the past few days, the one incident that I did not want shared, that I wanted left in Israel, is the one that has been speaking to me and bringing me to confession.
Last Sunday evening I found myself in a Jerusalem emergency room. An IV with fluids and I was back in the hotel in a few short hours. Me being me, I was embarassed to suddenly be the center of attention and stubborn about going. I begged not to go, I told the nurse that I didn't need to be there, and argued with the doctor about a silly x-ray, of all things (a signature on a form said "I won", by the way).
And, again ironically, the fact that I didn't want to be the center of attention made me just that when it should have been God that was the center as His family worked to care. Christ's body was to be glorified in the actions of my new family surrounding me. In what I may have thought was humility was actually my pride in full swing. My pride covered up the love and willingness of God's saints who wanted to wash my feet in a sense. My pride, guised as humility (a false humility to be certain), overshadowed the steadfast love and care of Val, Mark, Chris, Marlene, Marlys, Max, John, Derrick, Carl, Pam, Helen, Harry, Brad, Lynn, Shelly, Dick, Jane...and all the others who were doing exactly what Christ has called His body to do. I am so sorry.
If my pride had not been present, I probably would not have ended up in the fiasco anyway. There were earlier chances to realize and repent. At dinner that night, I knew a few people were watching me, since signs of illness began earlier in the day. Knowing I needed to eat and drink, but knowing I was shaking too much to do so, I figured I would wait out everyone at the table and eat and drink when they had left. All I had to do was have the humility to ask for a straw and I would have been able to get the water down...something I couldn't do later. Pride wins small battle. When things got worse, and now everybody knows, I could have taken the wheel chair up to my room and perhaps gotten liquids in there-- my pride had me walking to my room, not being wheeled up by someone else. Pride won, pride got the best of me, pride landed me in an Israeli ER. My dark pride, my false humility, could have covered up all the other people who were shining around me. Thankfully, the light of Jesus shines brighter.
Thank you for being the love of Christ to me Val, Mark, Chris, Marlys, Max, Heather, Victoria, Kevin, Marlene, Ron, Eileen, Marilyn, Jackie, Mick, Phil, Donna, Brian, Linda, Harry, Helen, Gill, Sharon, Dick, Joy, Harvey, Jane, John, Tammy, Karl, Pam, Derrick, Anne, Shelly, Greg, Debra, Brad, Tammy, Carol, Paula and Leah. I love you my family and I have tears of joy thinking of you and what you mean to me.
