As I posted on Facebook earlier this week, I had an up and down week prior to leaving for Tennessee-- up to Monday, in fact.
For the sake of some "TMI-sensitive" readers, I will not go into the medical details of what all was going on: however, I went from "not good" to "should be able to go ahead" to "we cannot transfer at this time". The last call was last Wednesday as I was heading to a massage to try to relieve a two week headache. Tim was in Europe for a week at this point already and I was to pick him up in Chicago on Friday en route to Tennessee. Now, I was supposed to go into my clinic-- in Minnesota-- for blood draw and ultrasound on Monday, the day I was supposed to have my embryo transfer in Tennessee. I was given a prescription for a new injection that could work, and if the injection worked, I could still go through embryo transfer on Friday, May 26.
I regrettably canceled my massage, though I did have to call the specialty pharmacy to overnight the injection. I should have stayed and thought it through on the massage table. But not me. My mind was tired and now reeling-- oh, did I mention I am all hopped up on female hormones? The office I left after canceling my massage is across the street from church. I really needed advice. Good stop.
I walked in, as I was going to process my next step with Val. I did not get past the front desk and Marlys. Everything kicked in and I started to cry. Wonderful pastors prayed for me. After discussing with Val and getting a hold of Tim, Tim and I separately, then together decided we were going for it. I would still leave for Tennessee with the girls Friday morning, pick him up in Chicago and have a great weekend with family near Nashville. If all else fails, we will have a good vacation.
Already through some trials that week, God brought to mind a familiar passage I kept resting upon: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight." In a small, yet magnified, sense He was saying "Relax, I got this."
With things swirling out of my control, can I place all of that in God's control? The easy answer is "yes" but the how-to was the conundrum. Cue to the next passage God laid on my heart that Wednesday afternoon (after I had left church, not looking so spiritual or faithful, mind you): "Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (I Thess. 5:16-18)
And so I did. I began to rejoice and give thanks. I still grabbed control from God's hand for moments-- or so I thought. God is in control even when I try to power grab.
I prayed without ceasing. I rejoiced. I gave thanks. As I continued to find His will through this simple, profound, Biblical dictate, I found that God not only whispers: "Relax, I got this." In the same whisper is "Relax, I got you."
