As rain wetted the ground outside, tears dampened the floor inside. Another embryo transfer, another negative pregnancy test. Sadness my only real emotion, just plain old sadness. Unlike last time, when great sadness was saddled my anger, guilt, grief and questioning. Like last time, hopeful expectation confidently walked into God's calling, waiting on His miracle. His six little miracles are now held by God Himself, miracles I wanted to carry and hold just briefly. So, I am-- we are-- sad.
Even so, God's promised provision of peace reigns over all. Understanding is delayed, but His will is for His glory, even when we cannot see the how's and why's of His answers. God's calling into this process is undeniable so we trust His answer.
Turning our eyes in prayer, training our mind in the Word, and tuning our ears to His heart heals our hurt. God even prepared music that we will be singing in church on Sunday to minister to me while I practice: It is Well and Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest) among resounding choruses of praise.
Be Still My Soul, an imperative even in title, has been a heavenly helpmate especially. Each verse my favorite, the ability to narrow down to a phrase that summarizes all the goings-on in my mind and emotion, both riddled with millions of words to say and absolutely nothing all at once, has proven impossible.
Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and provide
In ev'ry change He faithful will remain
Be still my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end
Be still my soul, thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past
Thy hope thy confidence let nothing shake
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still my soul the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below
Be still my soul, the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored
Be still my soul, when tears and change are past
All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last
In You I rest, in You I found my hope
In You I trust, You never let me go
I place my life within your hands alone
Be Still my Soul
