Waiting Upon the Lord

Isaiah 40
25 To whom then will ye liken me, or shall I be equal? saith the Holy One.26 Lift up your eyes on high, and behold who hath created these things, that bringeth out their host by number: he calleth them all by names by the greatness of his might, for that he is strong in power; not one faileth.27 Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the Lord, and my judgment is passed over from my God?28 Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.29 He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.30 Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:31 But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

I can say that God there is none like God, and I can know that it is truth. I can say that God is so high above all, who can begin to understand? and that is truth. I can say, because of those first two truths, God is in control: of course, that is also truth.

Many times were are asked to cling to truth in our faith walks and lives, even when (especially when?), we don't feel them.

What a beautiful moment when God merges truth with feeling, when we can truly cry from our hearts that we are experiencing the "peace that passes all understanding". As I have waited upon the Lord this summer, I have felt the Everlasting provide strength. Waiting has been impatient and painful at times and I am so grateful for comforting friends and family and the friend that pulled me out of a slump with a Godly rebuke. Thank God that we live in a faith community because solitary confinement wrecks faith.

Embryo transfer procedure is mere days away-- 4 days until Saturday-- and peace and confidence in the Lord reigns in our lives. The Lord is good to His Word: our strength is renewed, His love and faithfulness have us soaring like eagles.

Thank you ALL for prayers, encouragement and faith in Jesus modeled. We know that His will is done, "even if" it is not our desired outcome. We wait upon the Lord.

I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

Even as I begin, I am going back and forth on that title, because that song belongs to someone of great faith, one who gave all. This was not a flimsy line or song of human faith or will, or an emotional stirring of how easy it is to give our lives to Christ. What became India's first widespread Christian hymn was a martyr's last words in the 1880's. This man spoke the words of the song as his children, then his wife and after he finally proclaimed, "the cross before me, the world behind me", he was arrowed down as well, joining his family in martyrdom. The great persecutor, the chief of his tribe, upon witnessing Christ's work, spontaneously declared his faith in Jesus and the violent, bloodthirsty tribe was turned to Jesus Christ.

So, I pale in comparison. But Jesus shines bright in every situation. The last line of that man's life rang true to me a few days ago as I equated it to my own line of thinking: My fear behind me, my faith before me. Fear is of the world, and I have been experiencing my fair share of doubt and fear in the past few weeks. Faith is of the cross. The only way that I can say "my" faith is knowing that it really isn't mine at all. If it were, I would certainly be the most arrogant being on earth.

My faith is in Jesus Christ. It is not faith in my efforts, goodness, steadfastness or fortitude. My faith is in Jesus Christ, so I get to-- by His grace to us-- claim Him. His efforts, goodness and steadfastness and all that He accomplished on the cross of which we sing, they are all mine. "Amazing grace" just doesn't cut it, folks! But the praise and thanksgiving we can and should have is limited by our human state.

Accordingly, my faith should be immeasurable. Not there yet. I pray I keep inching closer. But that is my desire as I follow the Immeasurable.

Loss is hard. God's great love for "the least of these" has been pouring into me more and more over the past few months. Even during transfer, as we were told two embryos had not survived the thaw, I felt loss. Other mothers may know this feeling, but the week after transfer, I knew I was pregnant. Friday I knew it, by Saturday night-- though I didn't relent my hopefulness-- I knew I wasn't. Even if I never was actually pregnant, the loss of three lives is utter pain. At one point, I felt some sort of badge would help me identify with someone else so I could lessen the blow. The badge of miscarriage wasn't necessarily confirmed but no badge helps anyway. We are in our own journey and ultimately it is our own pain, which on some level is unrelatable.

On top of loss was bitter disagreement between Tim and I about our next step. I have never felt so distant from him, but I was thanking God for the reassurance that we would be all right, that we would come to agreement. Yet, in the meantime, it was literally gut-wrenching anguish.

Early on in grief and deciding to attempt another transfer, God gave me this:

There are still lives that need a chance. There are still conversations to have and blogs to write. There is still, more so, opportunity to show and experience faith with our kids-- and demonstrating the cost thereof. There is still more depth to engage in the ocean of God. There is still more trial to better show Gods glory in the triumph. There are still more hands to lift in surrender and praise. There is still more to know of God to make Him known.

As most of you know, we are planning embryo transfer in September. I am excited, elated and waiting to see what the Lord is going to do but fear crept in a few times. The fear is stepping onto the same path that could bring the same pain. Then God reminds me "Faith not fear. Fear behind me, faith before me."

The world behind me, the cross before me. No turning back, no turning back.

Where Feet May Fail

A quiet house. A solemn evening of reflection. My mind and stubborn will damming the reservoir of tears behind my eyes.  Afraid of feeling pain, disappointment and anger. Afraid that if the dam released – or later breached – the river would never cease to flow. Still, over all that, an immersion in God's peace that truly passes all understanding.

The dam released in a rush of hurt and angry questions: "I have faith, and this is what You do? I stepped in obedience and this is how You answer? I dare to not doubt and this is Your reward?" The rage of anger that churned in the trench of the dam soon subsided to a gentle ripple over the pebbles downstream. Hurt preceded and followed anger over the falls, into the tumult of the ravaging undertow. Yet, God enveloped my soul in peace and wrapped my heart in his love in the deep of the afterbay.

A quiet house. A light rereading of essays in CS Lewis's The Weight of Glory. "A Slip of the Tongue" caught my eye, captured my attention, then rendered my heart toward Him. The following excerpts are out of Lewis's written order but re-ordered as excerpts sometimes require – or you should read the whole essay. I feel so doing is a sin of the postmodern and I may very well need to apologize to Lewis when I see him.

This is my endlessly recurrent temptation: to go down to that Sea (I think Saint John of the Cross called God a sea) and there neither dive not swim nor float, but only dabble and splash, careful not to get out of my depth and holding on to the lifeline which connects me with my things temporal....of course that lifeline is really a death line.

The root principle of all these precautions is the same: to guard the things temporal... The man will not venture within reach of the eternal until he has made the things temporal safe in advance.

[God] will be infinitely merciful to our repeated failures; I know no promise that He will accept a deliberate compromise....failures will be forgiven; it is acquiescence that is fatal, the permitted regularised presence of an area in ourselves which we still claim for our own.

What matters, what Heaven desires and Hell fears, is precisely that further step, out of our depth, out of our own control.

 For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There's no bargaining with Him.

What God does for us, God does in us. 

As I hand my natural inhibitions, my stubborn pride over to God, the Sea, I am ever safer in His will, immersed in His grace and promises. We dared to dive into embryo adoption and not merely dip our toes for Godly refreshment. And when we are deep – we are deep in the sea of God Himself.

 I am saddened by the pride of those who constantly mock the songs of another preference, in this case, the songs of the contemporary. There are many to be rebuke, but reconsider the actual theology that is reflective of Lewis's essay in the much demeaned song "Oceans."

And I will call upon Your name, 
keep my eyes above the waves, 
my soul will rest in your embrace, 
for I am Yours and You are mine.

Faith in the Sovereign

Here I sit in a hard-backed chair at Midway airport waiting for Tim to arrive from Baltimore. My plan was to knock out a few hours of work while pining away for my love. Since when does my plan ever work? Needing WIFI to which I’m supposedly connected, I sigh, “I’ve got some time to kill.” Spirit reminded me that the last sentence is not of Him. Each moment is time to live, time to embrace, time to see Him—time to be intentionally filled. Sometimes that intention is work; sometimes it is silence and stillness. But time isn’t to kill: God filled time with life, even while sitting at an airport food court.

(That was a free prelude with no good segue into what God has put on my heart to write. Sorry if you think it was a time-killer.)

We are three days away from confirming pregnancy. Yes, confirming. I fully trust and rest and believe I am pregnant. I fully trust God’s calling and His plan for our family. A 7:00 am appointment in Maple Grove for a blood pregnancy test on Monday will preempt the call from my clinic in the afternoon.

In this life of faith, I feel myself holding on to tension between two hands. When we are sorrowing and mourning, we are also rejoicing. When we are looking up for consummation and our inheritance, we are constantly looking around us burdened with the need of the world. The dichotomies seem irreconcilable, yet they are reality only in and through faith in Jesus.

I hold in one hand “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed…” with “Thy will be done” in the other. Are we not supposed to live by faith to the God of the impossible, raising His very Son from the dead? Honestly, sometimes that call to bold and confident faith does not seem to jive with accepting all as God’s will, especially as it may seem to fly in the face of the boldness to which we are called.

When I boldly proclaim in faith, “I am pregnant!”, am I putting God’s reputation on the line? What happens if I weren’t? Why would anyone on the outside looking in believe the God who called us to this and doesn’t follow through? That is a whole lot of pressure, friends, trying to uphold God’s reputation.

Thankfully, I don’t need to and God certainly does not need me to concern myself with His reputation. He’s the only One able to do so. He is accountable only to Himself, answerable to no one as the Sovereign.

Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what God is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Deuteronomy 3:24

"Relax, I Got This"

As I posted on Facebook earlier this week, I had an up and down week prior to leaving for Tennessee-- up to Monday, in fact.

For the sake of some "TMI-sensitive" readers, I will not go into the medical details of what all was going on: however, I went from "not good" to "should be able to go ahead" to "we cannot transfer at this time". The last call was last Wednesday as I was heading to a massage to try to relieve a two week headache. Tim was in Europe for a week at this point already and I was to pick him up in Chicago on Friday en route to Tennessee. Now, I was supposed to go into my clinic-- in Minnesota-- for blood draw and ultrasound on Monday, the day I was supposed to have my embryo transfer in Tennessee. I was given a prescription for a new injection that could work, and if the injection worked, I could still go through embryo transfer on Friday, May 26.

I regrettably canceled my massage, though I did have to call the specialty pharmacy to overnight the injection. I should have stayed and thought it through on the massage table. But not me. My mind was tired and now reeling-- oh, did I mention I am all hopped up on female hormones? The office I left after canceling my massage is across the street from church. I really needed advice. Good stop.

I walked in, as I was going to process my next step with Val. I did not get past the front desk and Marlys. Everything kicked in and I started to cry. Wonderful pastors prayed for me. After discussing with Val and getting a hold of Tim, Tim and I separately, then together decided we were going for it. I would still leave for Tennessee with the girls Friday morning, pick him up in Chicago and have a great weekend with family near Nashville. If all else fails, we will have a good vacation.

Already through some trials that week, God brought to mind a familiar passage I kept resting upon: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight." In a small, yet magnified, sense He was saying "Relax, I got this."

With things swirling out of my control, can I place all of that in God's control? The easy answer is "yes" but the how-to was the conundrum. Cue to the next passage God laid on my heart that Wednesday afternoon (after I had left church, not looking so spiritual or faithful, mind you): "Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (I Thess. 5:16-18)

And so I did. I began to rejoice and give thanks. I still grabbed control from God's hand for moments-- or so I thought. God is in control even when I try to power grab.

I prayed without ceasing. I rejoiced. I gave thanks. As I continued to find His will through this simple, profound, Biblical dictate, I found that God not only whispers: "Relax, I got this." In the same whisper is "Relax, I got you."

O Victory in Jesus

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I Peter 5:8

 I let my guard down. I got too busy, too tired, too weary of the bleak gray skies of early spring. Soggy spring sapped my soul. And I didn't even realize it. Until yesterday. Life has been clipping along, without many hiccups. We are all waiting in wonder as we see what the Lord has continued to unfold in our road. But I let my guard down and fell headlong into a pothole.

 I don't enjoy going to the doctor, but it never bothers me much either (okay, except for the fact they insist upon weighing you every time, even if you are there for a hang nail). The appointment yesterday was simple: it was just a consultation for a pre-transfer D & C in a few weeks. My doctor said, "You seem nervous." At that moment-- and not until that moment-- I realized he was right. I said some embarrassingly stupid and awkward things before and after the admission. This was a bit of a new phenomenon for me. 

What I couldn't articulate at the time swamped me on the short drive home. The extent of the "D" in D & C is double the normal procedure, which will make monitoring during pregnancy more crucial: I'm already guarded about this pregnancy and this new news added to my sensitivity. Tim will be out of town the week of procedure and I realized how desperately I want him there. I'm apprehensive about any anesthesia: I've had some bad experiences. By the time my two mile drive was done, I, too, was done. 

 Tim walked in the door after a week of travel, and I greeted him by being paralyzed emotionally, even physically. I didn't want to be home, yet I didn't want to go anywhere either. I wanted something to do, yet I wanted to do nothing. Tim worried: I was in a bad place and we both knew it. I just didn't know what to do about it.

My gracious husband knew the remedy, it works every time. He sent me to my dad's so I could get a walk through the woods with my Loving Savior. The walk would happen in the morning. When I arrived, I donned my pajamas and spent a lazy night on the couch while downing the Mushroom and Swiss burger I bought at the DQ drive-thru: that oughtta help me feel better about my unmotivated self! Good grief! And grief it was: I laid my case before the Lord as I realized that Satan had pounced from my blindside and had me by the throat.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Satan is like a lion, he is not a lion. He is no match for the Lion of Judah. The Mighty Conqueror swept in to save me. I loudly sang "Victory in Jesus" while praising the Lion in my midst. 

A timely reminder to all of us to be alert to the spiritual battle that is at all times around us, though unseen. A reminder that we are to "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." Ephesians 6

And, we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus (Romans 8: 37).

Be watchful. Stay awake. Be ready. Conquer through Christ.

Choosing an Ellis

Wednesday, March 1 15:00 CST. I just finished T25 with Shawn T. I had enough time to shower and get to church on time (assuming my hair wouldn't be thrown back into another pony tail). Tim skips in: "We have profiles." Accompanying the announcement was the urging look that spoke, "you need to come out to my office now and we are going to look. Oh, yeah, now." And "now" was when I wanted to come. My shower was swift, my hands excitedly shaky as I attempted any chance of making up my face, and I ran out minutes later with a wet head.

Tim's screen was full of pdf's ready to view. PDF's at this point meant "Pretty Dumb Founding" and oh, so exciting. These weren't just pdf's. These files represented life waiting to be nurtured and birthed. One to two of these files contained a life we cannot wait to nurture, grow in utero and introduce to the world as the newest Ellis. How incredible is that?

On Wednesday, I thought I was leaning one direction, and was surprised-- excitedly so-- at God's answer yesterday. As we reached out for prayer during our review, a wonderful sister friend texted "Praying for God to place His hands on your baby and for you to hear Him." He did and we did. God's hands are on our baby (babies?) and we know in His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for our child/ren.

In His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for us.

His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for you. No matter what season you find yourself in today. By surrender, place yourself in His hands and let Him mold you and hold you.

God's love and the peace of Jesus accompanied by the fire of the Holy Spirit to you all.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Psalm 139: 5-6