I Have Decided to Follow Jesus

Even as I begin, I am going back and forth on that title, because that song belongs to someone of great faith, one who gave all. This was not a flimsy line or song of human faith or will, or an emotional stirring of how easy it is to give our lives to Christ. What became India's first widespread Christian hymn was a martyr's last words in the 1880's. This man spoke the words of the song as his children, then his wife and after he finally proclaimed, "the cross before me, the world behind me", he was arrowed down as well, joining his family in martyrdom. The great persecutor, the chief of his tribe, upon witnessing Christ's work, spontaneously declared his faith in Jesus and the violent, bloodthirsty tribe was turned to Jesus Christ.

So, I pale in comparison. But Jesus shines bright in every situation. The last line of that man's life rang true to me a few days ago as I equated it to my own line of thinking: My fear behind me, my faith before me. Fear is of the world, and I have been experiencing my fair share of doubt and fear in the past few weeks. Faith is of the cross. The only way that I can say "my" faith is knowing that it really isn't mine at all. If it were, I would certainly be the most arrogant being on earth.

My faith is in Jesus Christ. It is not faith in my efforts, goodness, steadfastness or fortitude. My faith is in Jesus Christ, so I get to-- by His grace to us-- claim Him. His efforts, goodness and steadfastness and all that He accomplished on the cross of which we sing, they are all mine. "Amazing grace" just doesn't cut it, folks! But the praise and thanksgiving we can and should have is limited by our human state.

Accordingly, my faith should be immeasurable. Not there yet. I pray I keep inching closer. But that is my desire as I follow the Immeasurable.

Loss is hard. God's great love for "the least of these" has been pouring into me more and more over the past few months. Even during transfer, as we were told two embryos had not survived the thaw, I felt loss. Other mothers may know this feeling, but the week after transfer, I knew I was pregnant. Friday I knew it, by Saturday night-- though I didn't relent my hopefulness-- I knew I wasn't. Even if I never was actually pregnant, the loss of three lives is utter pain. At one point, I felt some sort of badge would help me identify with someone else so I could lessen the blow. The badge of miscarriage wasn't necessarily confirmed but no badge helps anyway. We are in our own journey and ultimately it is our own pain, which on some level is unrelatable.

On top of loss was bitter disagreement between Tim and I about our next step. I have never felt so distant from him, but I was thanking God for the reassurance that we would be all right, that we would come to agreement. Yet, in the meantime, it was literally gut-wrenching anguish.

Early on in grief and deciding to attempt another transfer, God gave me this:

There are still lives that need a chance. There are still conversations to have and blogs to write. There is still, more so, opportunity to show and experience faith with our kids-- and demonstrating the cost thereof. There is still more depth to engage in the ocean of God. There is still more trial to better show Gods glory in the triumph. There are still more hands to lift in surrender and praise. There is still more to know of God to make Him known.

As most of you know, we are planning embryo transfer in September. I am excited, elated and waiting to see what the Lord is going to do but fear crept in a few times. The fear is stepping onto the same path that could bring the same pain. Then God reminds me "Faith not fear. Fear behind me, faith before me."

The world behind me, the cross before me. No turning back, no turning back.

Where Feet May Fail

A quiet house. A solemn evening of reflection. My mind and stubborn will damming the reservoir of tears behind my eyes.  Afraid of feeling pain, disappointment and anger. Afraid that if the dam released – or later breached – the river would never cease to flow. Still, over all that, an immersion in God's peace that truly passes all understanding.

The dam released in a rush of hurt and angry questions: "I have faith, and this is what You do? I stepped in obedience and this is how You answer? I dare to not doubt and this is Your reward?" The rage of anger that churned in the trench of the dam soon subsided to a gentle ripple over the pebbles downstream. Hurt preceded and followed anger over the falls, into the tumult of the ravaging undertow. Yet, God enveloped my soul in peace and wrapped my heart in his love in the deep of the afterbay.

A quiet house. A light rereading of essays in CS Lewis's The Weight of Glory. "A Slip of the Tongue" caught my eye, captured my attention, then rendered my heart toward Him. The following excerpts are out of Lewis's written order but re-ordered as excerpts sometimes require – or you should read the whole essay. I feel so doing is a sin of the postmodern and I may very well need to apologize to Lewis when I see him.

This is my endlessly recurrent temptation: to go down to that Sea (I think Saint John of the Cross called God a sea) and there neither dive not swim nor float, but only dabble and splash, careful not to get out of my depth and holding on to the lifeline which connects me with my things temporal....of course that lifeline is really a death line.

The root principle of all these precautions is the same: to guard the things temporal... The man will not venture within reach of the eternal until he has made the things temporal safe in advance.

[God] will be infinitely merciful to our repeated failures; I know no promise that He will accept a deliberate compromise....failures will be forgiven; it is acquiescence that is fatal, the permitted regularised presence of an area in ourselves which we still claim for our own.

What matters, what Heaven desires and Hell fears, is precisely that further step, out of our depth, out of our own control.

 For He claims all, because He is love and must bless. He cannot bless us unless He has us. When we try to keep within us an area that is our own, we try to keep an area of death. Therefore, in love, He claims all. There's no bargaining with Him.

What God does for us, God does in us. 

As I hand my natural inhibitions, my stubborn pride over to God, the Sea, I am ever safer in His will, immersed in His grace and promises. We dared to dive into embryo adoption and not merely dip our toes for Godly refreshment. And when we are deep – we are deep in the sea of God Himself.

 I am saddened by the pride of those who constantly mock the songs of another preference, in this case, the songs of the contemporary. There are many to be rebuke, but reconsider the actual theology that is reflective of Lewis's essay in the much demeaned song "Oceans."

And I will call upon Your name, 
keep my eyes above the waves, 
my soul will rest in your embrace, 
for I am Yours and You are mine.

Faith in the Sovereign

Here I sit in a hard-backed chair at Midway airport waiting for Tim to arrive from Baltimore. My plan was to knock out a few hours of work while pining away for my love. Since when does my plan ever work? Needing WIFI to which I’m supposedly connected, I sigh, “I’ve got some time to kill.” Spirit reminded me that the last sentence is not of Him. Each moment is time to live, time to embrace, time to see Him—time to be intentionally filled. Sometimes that intention is work; sometimes it is silence and stillness. But time isn’t to kill: God filled time with life, even while sitting at an airport food court.

(That was a free prelude with no good segue into what God has put on my heart to write. Sorry if you think it was a time-killer.)

We are three days away from confirming pregnancy. Yes, confirming. I fully trust and rest and believe I am pregnant. I fully trust God’s calling and His plan for our family. A 7:00 am appointment in Maple Grove for a blood pregnancy test on Monday will preempt the call from my clinic in the afternoon.

In this life of faith, I feel myself holding on to tension between two hands. When we are sorrowing and mourning, we are also rejoicing. When we are looking up for consummation and our inheritance, we are constantly looking around us burdened with the need of the world. The dichotomies seem irreconcilable, yet they are reality only in and through faith in Jesus.

I hold in one hand “if you have faith as small as a mustard seed…” with “Thy will be done” in the other. Are we not supposed to live by faith to the God of the impossible, raising His very Son from the dead? Honestly, sometimes that call to bold and confident faith does not seem to jive with accepting all as God’s will, especially as it may seem to fly in the face of the boldness to which we are called.

When I boldly proclaim in faith, “I am pregnant!”, am I putting God’s reputation on the line? What happens if I weren’t? Why would anyone on the outside looking in believe the God who called us to this and doesn’t follow through? That is a whole lot of pressure, friends, trying to uphold God’s reputation.

Thankfully, I don’t need to and God certainly does not need me to concern myself with His reputation. He’s the only One able to do so. He is accountable only to Himself, answerable to no one as the Sovereign.

Sovereign Lord, you have begun to show your servant your greatness and your strong hand. For what God is there in heaven or on earth who can do the deeds and mighty works you do? Deuteronomy 3:24

"Relax, I Got This"

As I posted on Facebook earlier this week, I had an up and down week prior to leaving for Tennessee-- up to Monday, in fact.

For the sake of some "TMI-sensitive" readers, I will not go into the medical details of what all was going on: however, I went from "not good" to "should be able to go ahead" to "we cannot transfer at this time". The last call was last Wednesday as I was heading to a massage to try to relieve a two week headache. Tim was in Europe for a week at this point already and I was to pick him up in Chicago on Friday en route to Tennessee. Now, I was supposed to go into my clinic-- in Minnesota-- for blood draw and ultrasound on Monday, the day I was supposed to have my embryo transfer in Tennessee. I was given a prescription for a new injection that could work, and if the injection worked, I could still go through embryo transfer on Friday, May 26.

I regrettably canceled my massage, though I did have to call the specialty pharmacy to overnight the injection. I should have stayed and thought it through on the massage table. But not me. My mind was tired and now reeling-- oh, did I mention I am all hopped up on female hormones? The office I left after canceling my massage is across the street from church. I really needed advice. Good stop.

I walked in, as I was going to process my next step with Val. I did not get past the front desk and Marlys. Everything kicked in and I started to cry. Wonderful pastors prayed for me. After discussing with Val and getting a hold of Tim, Tim and I separately, then together decided we were going for it. I would still leave for Tennessee with the girls Friday morning, pick him up in Chicago and have a great weekend with family near Nashville. If all else fails, we will have a good vacation.

Already through some trials that week, God brought to mind a familiar passage I kept resting upon: "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will keep your paths straight." In a small, yet magnified, sense He was saying "Relax, I got this."

With things swirling out of my control, can I place all of that in God's control? The easy answer is "yes" but the how-to was the conundrum. Cue to the next passage God laid on my heart that Wednesday afternoon (after I had left church, not looking so spiritual or faithful, mind you): "Rejoice evermore, pray without ceasing, giving thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (I Thess. 5:16-18)

And so I did. I began to rejoice and give thanks. I still grabbed control from God's hand for moments-- or so I thought. God is in control even when I try to power grab.

I prayed without ceasing. I rejoiced. I gave thanks. As I continued to find His will through this simple, profound, Biblical dictate, I found that God not only whispers: "Relax, I got this." In the same whisper is "Relax, I got you."

O Victory in Jesus

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. I Peter 5:8

 I let my guard down. I got too busy, too tired, too weary of the bleak gray skies of early spring. Soggy spring sapped my soul. And I didn't even realize it. Until yesterday. Life has been clipping along, without many hiccups. We are all waiting in wonder as we see what the Lord has continued to unfold in our road. But I let my guard down and fell headlong into a pothole.

 I don't enjoy going to the doctor, but it never bothers me much either (okay, except for the fact they insist upon weighing you every time, even if you are there for a hang nail). The appointment yesterday was simple: it was just a consultation for a pre-transfer D & C in a few weeks. My doctor said, "You seem nervous." At that moment-- and not until that moment-- I realized he was right. I said some embarrassingly stupid and awkward things before and after the admission. This was a bit of a new phenomenon for me. 

What I couldn't articulate at the time swamped me on the short drive home. The extent of the "D" in D & C is double the normal procedure, which will make monitoring during pregnancy more crucial: I'm already guarded about this pregnancy and this new news added to my sensitivity. Tim will be out of town the week of procedure and I realized how desperately I want him there. I'm apprehensive about any anesthesia: I've had some bad experiences. By the time my two mile drive was done, I, too, was done. 

 Tim walked in the door after a week of travel, and I greeted him by being paralyzed emotionally, even physically. I didn't want to be home, yet I didn't want to go anywhere either. I wanted something to do, yet I wanted to do nothing. Tim worried: I was in a bad place and we both knew it. I just didn't know what to do about it.

My gracious husband knew the remedy, it works every time. He sent me to my dad's so I could get a walk through the woods with my Loving Savior. The walk would happen in the morning. When I arrived, I donned my pajamas and spent a lazy night on the couch while downing the Mushroom and Swiss burger I bought at the DQ drive-thru: that oughtta help me feel better about my unmotivated self! Good grief! And grief it was: I laid my case before the Lord as I realized that Satan had pounced from my blindside and had me by the throat.

Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Satan is like a lion, he is not a lion. He is no match for the Lion of Judah. The Mighty Conqueror swept in to save me. I loudly sang "Victory in Jesus" while praising the Lion in my midst. 

A timely reminder to all of us to be alert to the spiritual battle that is at all times around us, though unseen. A reminder that we are to "be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm." Ephesians 6

And, we are more than conquerors through Christ Jesus (Romans 8: 37).

Be watchful. Stay awake. Be ready. Conquer through Christ.

Choosing an Ellis

Wednesday, March 1 15:00 CST. I just finished T25 with Shawn T. I had enough time to shower and get to church on time (assuming my hair wouldn't be thrown back into another pony tail). Tim skips in: "We have profiles." Accompanying the announcement was the urging look that spoke, "you need to come out to my office now and we are going to look. Oh, yeah, now." And "now" was when I wanted to come. My shower was swift, my hands excitedly shaky as I attempted any chance of making up my face, and I ran out minutes later with a wet head.

Tim's screen was full of pdf's ready to view. PDF's at this point meant "Pretty Dumb Founding" and oh, so exciting. These weren't just pdf's. These files represented life waiting to be nurtured and birthed. One to two of these files contained a life we cannot wait to nurture, grow in utero and introduce to the world as the newest Ellis. How incredible is that?

On Wednesday, I thought I was leaning one direction, and was surprised-- excitedly so-- at God's answer yesterday. As we reached out for prayer during our review, a wonderful sister friend texted "Praying for God to place His hands on your baby and for you to hear Him." He did and we did. God's hands are on our baby (babies?) and we know in His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for our child/ren.

In His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for us.

His hands are strength, protection, peace, love and comfort for you. No matter what season you find yourself in today. By surrender, place yourself in His hands and let Him mold you and hold you.

God's love and the peace of Jesus accompanied by the fire of the Holy Spirit to you all.

You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
Psalm 139: 5-6

Brain Dump

If you have heard the comparisons of how a woman's mind works versus a man's mind-- the woman's mind is more like spaghetti and a man's more like a waffle, with its nice, neat compartments (which I like to fill with butter)-- you will understand where I am going.

My mind is probably usually like angel hair pasta and it never quits thinking of several things at once. In fact, even as I typed that sentence, my mind thought of vocal rehearsal this morning (both not hitting a note flat again and the breakout in song of Richard Marx's "Hold on to the Night"), how I can be a better listener, especially as it relates to racial reconciliation, and how adoption has taught me so much about my own spiritual adoption. I digress. This is my never-keep-still mind.

Then there are the moments where all the spaghetti boils out of the brain and I am left with scribbled notes on papers, with lots of arrows and chicken scratching overlapping it all. Hopefully this is a cleaned-up version of such a brain dump I had a few weeks ago.

Embryo adoption is different than traditional adoption. As a Christian, the cry would be to Christian families to be more open to the possibility of raising up these children whose, like the rest of us, only hope is Christ. There are souls of countless children at stake and we are called to care for the widow and the orphan. We know that these children were conceived, born under and raised under Adam's fall, until and unless they have a personal saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. But embryo adoption is different. These are souls that are not yet liable for their inherited curse. Right now, one might consider these embryos, in very rudimentary and dangerously crude terminology, as "spiritually safe". I acknowledge there are many who would vehemently disagree with this notion, just as I disagree with aspects of that profound, yet befuddled, assertion. In the simplest scenario, those indefinitely cryopreserved lives would go to heaven upon Jesus return.

I would argue that these lives are of the most endangered, but for the sake of this brain dump and thread of argumentation, please stay with me on the goose chase. Within this line of thinking, I drifted to the thoughts many of us had even before we had children: Why would I risk her life by bringing her into a corrupt world, no longer a guarantee of heaven? This question is a result of the greatest fear I have as a parent: my children have the choice to reject God, and they may make that choice.

First, especially in regards to embryos, I would strongly warn that if we play this line of thinking to logical conclusion, we would agree that abortion is permissible and perhaps even merciful. God forbid it! That is not the path and line of thinking I am on. Let's jump onto the bigger projection God had prepared for me in this instance.

As I was pondering, praying and looking into the Word, the obvious question came to me: Why did God take the risk with us? And not only risk, but knowledge of our rejection of Him before He even said, "Let there be light." I got as far as three reasons: 1. His glory, 2. His love, 3. His grace.

His Glory.

For my own name's sake I delay my wrath; for the sake of my praise I hold it back from you, so as not to destroy you completely. See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, I do this. How can I let myself be defamed? Isaiah 48: 9-11

I love how the Scriptures reveal God's glory, but especially in powerful passages in Isaiah, God's questioning of Job and the Psalms. The New Testament and ongoing ministry of the Spirit is for God's glory in the person of Jesus Christ. The New Testament also gives commentary to help us understand the Old, such as Romans 9:17. Even the hard-hearted Pharoah's purpose and story was to bring God glory, even though that wasn't Pharoah's purpose: For Scripture says to Pharoah: "I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth" (Romans 9:17).

We were created to proclaim God's glory. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16). This is a call to us and our future child/ren. They need a chance to let their light shine.Remember Jesus's explanation for the man born blind? What was his sin? What was the sin of his parents? Jesus answered, "...this happened so that the works fo God might be displayed in him" (John 9:7). Every life is created to proclaim God's glory, including our child/ren that are waiting to be born.

His Love.

We need God's love. We need it. God didn't need love. He can be no more or no less love than exists within the perfect triune of Himself. Because He is triune, He is both giver and object of love (see John 17:24).

Yet, God gave love. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will-- to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. Ephesians 1:4-6

For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son even before the world He loved existed. God loves life! He created it even though He didn't need it. I can't not provide life and love to that which God already made (read that again, noting the intentional, non-grammatical, double negative). I am compelled to give fuller life by the conviction of the Spirit and by the example of Jesus. 

For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again  (II Corinthians 5:14).

His Grace.

A few years ago, we had a greatly inquisitive Confirmation class that I was co-teaching. And I knew-- I just KNEW-- that the question would come. If God knew that we were going to rebel and reject Him, why did He create us in the first place? Honestly, I was not ready with the answer, so I decided I better be ready when the question came. I admit, I had to Google the question to rely upon someone else's wisdom, and when I heard it from the lips of Brother Paul Washer, I nearly slapped my head in response to the obvious answer.

Grace.

God cannot show or manifest His grace without a sinner, without someone in need of it. Grace is integral to the character of God-- could you imagine defining God without it? If you can, please talk to me or another Christian-- we have some great news for you!

God defines Himself to Moses in Exodus 34: 
And He passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The Lord, the Lord, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin.

That is amazing grace.

Now, I would be remiss if I did not include the rest of verse 7 of the passage: 
Yet, he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.
To be a God of mercy, grace and love, He must also be Just.

God manifested His glory, love and grace through His Savior Son, Jesus Christ.

The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (John 1:14).

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him (John 3:16-17).

We continue to step forward, knowing that God's call is for His glory, because of His love, relying fully on His mercy and grace.