Trust Jesus

We just came back from an appoint-ation. My appointment in Knoxville was on Wednesday, but we took a little extra time to come home so we could visit Savannah, Georgia. Great time with Tim and Matea-- highlights were Tybee Beach and Fort Pulaski.

In adoption news: we get to move ahead after I received medical clearance on Tuesday. Going into the appointment, we had been told over the phone that our initial appointment to the real deal appointment is about 6 months.

Therefore, in our consultation when they said May...uh, May? Like the May that is 3 months from now? Whew, I think I started sweating on the inside. I think mostly with excitement but only the Lord knows the mix of feelings at that point. Trust me, it IS very exciting but realize that I am about to be pregnant at 42 without the involvement of my husband and that, my friends, can be a daunting thought at times. Oh, and our baby/babies are in a frozen state in a nearby room. Some moments, life can feel a bit surreal.

We walked to lunch from the clinic. Lunch was a blandish fish taco which reflected my muted emotions. Very rarely does nothing go on in my head, but this lunch was one of those times. My emotions were suspended between a state of exhaustion and the Twilight Zone. I realized too late that the couple we had met for lunch-- lovely, gracious people-- having known why we were in Knoxville, probably needed to know that we had just been at a consultation and NOT the real deal. Poor them, it had to feel odd to wonder if the woman that they just met and with whom they were sharing a meal, just got herself impregnated next door. I sensed a bit of relief when I told them what had happened and not.

We three got in our mini-van rental (Matea got to choose the rental) and started on the road back toward Atlanta. At that point, the suspended state dropped into a beginning panic state. What if we heard God wrong? What if this isn't His will at all? I mean I'm good following His will, but did I hear correctly? God? You wanna weigh in on this one? Yes, child, this is your calling. God, is that you, for sure? or just the untrustworthy voice in my head, my heart on overdrive? As the questions were looming and building again and I started feeling the chest tighten, we passed under an overpass. There was one large phrase graffiti-ed: "Trust Jesus."

Those two words are all I needed to see. Trust Jesus. It's that simple and that complex. It's the dichotomy of holding joy and pain in the same hand and calling it faith. Faith exercised by one who is so often faithless to the only One who is forever faithful.

Those two words are enough for Jesus to take my mustard seed and move a mountain.

Trust Jesus. That is what I am doing. That is what I will continue to do. And when doubt sneaks into my thoughts, I can reflect on that message.

I am reminded of my favorite hymn as a child. Verse 2 and 5 speak to me most:

Not a shadow can rise, not a cloud in the skies,
But His smile quickly drives it away;
Not a doubt or a fear, not a sigh or a tear,
Can abide while we trust and obey.

Then in fellowship sweet we will sit at His feet,
Or we’ll walk by His side in the way;
What He says we will do, where He sends we will go;
Never fear, only trust and obey.